Tuesday, February 5, 2019

Coping with Losing Pepper

This has been the most traumatic period of my life, considering that I have been through a lot.

The first of everything without her is the hardest.

The first morning.
The first breakfast, lunch and dinner of Stark.
The first walk with Stark.
The first night.
The first....
I would just burst into tears unexpectedly. 

This sucks. 

With some introspection, I came to realize why this hit me so bad. It’s because Pepper was with me every waking and sleeping period of my life for the last 4+ years. I could take a shower with my door open and she could see me without any judgement. I could change with her in the room or walk around the house naked and she could see my scars, my stretch marks, my bad days, my good days... everything, without any ounce of judgement. She loved me unconditionally and I love her back. I always say that she owns the house. I’m just the servant and I’m just the person who pays the bills.

Guilt, I figured, is the most difficult to get over with. I want to feel the pain because this is kind of a punishment for myself. I don’t know if I ever get pass this.

Anger at the Higher Being

Why would You take Pep away from me? I have been good with stray animals in my neighborhood. I am spending hundreds of pesos every month to buy sardines and rice to feed them. Why would You take away my Princess? Please help me understand. 

Going Out

My friend forced me to go out with Stark and so I agreed. It did me good. I ate a decent meal in days. Stark was able to go out and he seemed very happy. I smiled for the first time in days. 

At BTC- Banilad

Jafar's Shawarma

At Starbucks IT Park 

Ordering Drinks with "Pepper" 

But when I came home, the deafening silence is killing me. I feel like I shouldn’t feel good because I’m betraying Pepper.

Right now, I still couldn't bear to look at her picture or even change my sheets because she laid on it, to sweep the floor because her fur is still everywhere. 

There was a Candle Lighting Ceremony at Petloss.com and this brought me so much healing. 

She used to chew on this and I was surprised that it survived. Now, I'm calling it "Pepper Palmera"

This song is for My Baby Girl: 

I miss you, Baby Girl. You don't know how much I am suffering without you. Please take care of Starky. 

1 comment:

  1. So sorry to hear about your loss. No words can make the pain go away. It was only in September 2018 that we got our dog named Jasper. He's a friendly and playful dog. I can't imagine losing him this early. Cyberhuuuuugs!


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