21 Years Later, I still Dream About Him

A wound that will never heal.

A hollow space that will never get full no matter what.

After all these years, I am not yet over him, and I don't think I would ever get over him.

He still visits me once in a while... not physically, though I wish it's possible.

As long as I can remember, I often dream of my father. Last night was one of those blissful nights I had with him. 

I hugged him so tight coz I knew he was going away. He asked me what's wrong and I told him that I just missed him so bad. 

In my dreams with him, I was always a little girl just like when he left. 

When I was turning 18, I remember waking up with tears in my eyes. In it, I saw him carrying me. I fell asleep in a couch, he carried me up so he can put me to bed. In that dream, I woke up because he kissed me goodbye and I don't want him to leave just yet.

Whenever he comes in my dreams, I get to hugged him so tight I can smell his usual "manly" scent. At that very moment, I'd be happy... I'd be complete. I want to stay in that dream a little while longer. I don't want to wake up just yet.

Sometimes, I forced myself to wake up coz dreams seem so real it's as if my father is just there.

Of course, whenever I wake up and realized that all was just a dream, I would begin sobbing. I'd beat myself up for waking up. A sad realization.

He comes when I am in the lowest point of my life.

Was it just the subconscious part of me that's creating those vivid dreams of him? 

Was it because I am down and the little girl in me needed a father?

Was it just bad spirit pretending to be my father?

Bad spirits give you nightmares. When he is in my dream, I feel so comforted. I get to hugged him so tight he'd end up complaining.

Or is it really him extending his fatherly love to me from heaven?

I miss you, Pa.... more than anything. 

If time machines are real, I'd give up anything... everything just to have one. I'd go back to the days when you were still around. I won't be maldita to you, I swear. I'd say yes to a million showers and not throw stones at your back just because I don't want one. I swear. I swear.