Should I Adopt the Baby?

"By 35 years old, if 'the one' is still not around, I'll adopt a baby," I told myself that- written in my journal actually.


Marriage and having kid/s really came knocking in my door lately- by lately I mean a year or so ago. I always thought that I would remain single forever, that I won't get married, like, ever, coz ewww, depending on other man for survival is against me and my beliefs. I saw my mom struggle after my died pass away. I told myself that I would never, ever depend on any man. I won't get married and have kids because I don't want my future kids to experience what I experienced, if ever my future husband dies early- like what happen to us. And I also has fear that my future husband will die young because, according to them, the mole on the side of my nose is bad luck, dinadaanan daw ng luha and that means my husband will die young. As stupid as it is, I believed it for the longest time- made me an anti-marriage and anti-having-kids even more! Hail to the mole on the side of my nose!

It was only a year or two, when I became financially literate, that the fear of marriage and having kids to raise disappear. It was replaced with yearning to start my own family. It comes with age, I guess, and this woman's biological clock,too. I know, it's against feminism to believe in biological clock, but I don't consider myself feminist- I am independent, not a feminist(okay, not a full-blown, hardcore, extremely feminist, ya know what I mean? I am not really an expert with feminism thing, as you can probably tell.)

Why am I bitter? I asked myself. The commenter in my last two posts, God bless his/her heart, gave me an idea why. It's because I sacrificed a lot- from working abroad and forgetting/learning to let go of my happiness to saving money like a madwoman just so I can help my family get out of poverty.  My attempt to be different from the aunts, who somewhat left a scar within me, failed. That maybe, just maybe, I could have done things differently. I could have treated my niece just how my aunt treated me before- from all the belittling that I received to you-won't-go-anywhere-if-it's-not-for-me feeling. Maybe, if I applied the same tactics, my niece with learn to despise me and, in turn, would not be one of those teenage moms OR maybe I envy  my niece so much because I didn't have the same opportunity as she now has, and she wasted it. 
 

Why do I blame myself so much? For that, I have no answer. The feeling of bitterness and disbelief is still raw, and I know in time, I will learn to accept it all.
 

Back to the question, should I legally adopt the baby? Part of me says yes, but the little voice in me says 'NO.' No because my niece should learn a lesson, that she should face the consequences of her actions, that maybe it won't occur to her that "okay lang naman that I'll slip up, Tita will save me naman in the end."

Despite the bitterness that I am feeling, I asked her what her plans are, I  don't want to intrude in her decisions- I can only suggest, but not intrude. It's her life, I don't want to spoonfeed her with decisions. I want to still help her with school and all if she really,really wants to go back to school. Things will be different, she won't be the carefree college student she once was. I'll give her second chance, and if she screw it all up again, I won't help her anymore. Fair enough?

Gosh, what happened to that kid who blushingly and secretly told me when she got her very first period? Seems like yesterday and now, she will become a mother.
 

I worry about her younger sis, would she follow in her older sister's footsteps? 
 

Times are hard. If only pre-marital sex is openly talk about in the dinner table in our culture.